Socks and a Hard Place
by ColdFusion180
Summary: How long will it take until the Acolytes stop causing chaos and insanity? The world may never know.


**Socks and a Hard Place**

Remy casually lay on his bed in the Acolyte base while thumbing through a well used book. He had found it among several others packed away in one of the storage rooms and it had immediately caught his eye. To be more precise it was the dark haired and scantily clothed female on the cover that had caught his eye. _This John Carter_ homme _ain't bad_, Remy thought while flipping through the pages. _If only he didn't suffer from being so hopelessly noble. With his abilities and way with the _femmes_ he'd make one heck of a thief. I'm surprised they haven't made a movie about him yet. Wonder who he would end up looking like..._

KNOCK! KNOCK!

"Remy?" Piotr's voice was heard.

"Yeah. What is it?" Remy glanced as Piotr opened the door. "Whoa, what happened to you?"

"I am not really sure," Piotr said standing in the doorway. His clothes were covered neck to shins with socks. "I think it is a bad case of static cling, but I can not get rid of it. Do you know where Magneto is?"

"He's off with Mastermind testing a new device on him or something," Remy waved setting down his book. "That or torturing him with it. Not quite sure."

"Oh, okay," Piotr scratched at a sock. "I thought he might be creating some strong magnetic fields that was causing the static cling."

"Na, I don't think it works that way," Remy told him. "Have you tried rubbing something metal over the socks or switching to your armored form?"

"Yes. It still won't go away," Piotr ripped a sock from his sleeve releasing a bright cascade of sparks. He then dropped the sock which immediate clung to his chest. "It is very awkward."

"I see," Remy got up and tried to pull at a sock only to get shocked. "Ow!"

"Sorry," Piotr apologized stepping back. "I did not mean to do that."

"No problem, _homme_," Remy gazed at Piotr's clothing. "Man, that's weird. You haven't been zapped with lighting or stuck your hand in an electrical outlet lately, have ya?"

"No," Piotr shook his head. "This just happened while I was getting dressed after taking a shower."

"Hmmm," Remy thought for a moment. "Maybe it's one of Pyro's pranks."

"I do not think so. It does not seem like his work," Piotr mentioned. "Nothing is set on fire or blown up."

BOOM!

"Speaking of which," Remy went and looked down the hallway towards Pyro's room. Smoke was coming out from underneath the door along with maniacal laughter. "What is that lunatic up to this time?"

"Do we really want to find out?" Piotr asked nervously.

"No, but we might have fewer nightmares if we find out sooner than later," Remy sighed motioning Piotr to follow him. They stopped outside Pyro's room. Remy rapped on the door. "Pyro! What's going on in there?"

"He he he!" Pyro was heard giggling.

"I hate it when he does that," Piotr groaned.

"Pyro you better not have the door booby-trapped. We're coming in!" Remy braced himself and did so.

"Wow," Piotr blinked at a large table shoved against one of the walls. The table stretched the entire length of the room and was piled high with flasks, jars, wires, books, mechanical parts, strings, fuses, hoses, and papers covered with unintelligible scrawls. "What is all this?"

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro laughed insanely while bending over a pot of something bubbling above a makeshift burner on the table. Smoke rose and billowed from it. "Yes, yes! It's going...it's going..."

"It's gone," Remy quipped. "I knew it was only a matter of time until Pyro lost whatever was left of his brain."

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped. "Uh, Pyro? What are you doing?"

"Hey mates!" Pyro spun around and grinned at them. "You're just in time to witness the creation of my greatness invention yet!"

"Oh no," Remy groaned. "Which of your so-called 'ideas' are you hopelessly working on this time? Spray-on pants? Two-sided flammable pizza? Exploding couch cushions?"

"Even better!" Pyro reached into the pot with a pair of tongs and triumphantly removed its contents. "Ta da! Boomerang socks!"

"Huh?" Piotr blinked at the rigid article of clothing.

"Boomerang socks," Pyro repeated happily. "It's like a regular sock except when you throw it away, it comes back!"

"Oh, like that's really useful," Remy mocked. "Many a time I have had a sock in my hand and thought, 'Gee. If only this had the ability return and smack me in the face when I toss it'."

"Well, it does not seem that bad," Piotr tried to say something positive. "It could have been much worse."

"And as soon as you throw the sock away, it sets itself on fire!" Pyro grinned proudly.

"Me and my big mouth," Piotr groaned.

"Now that the prototype's done, all I gotta do is make five thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine more," Pyro said setting down the sock.

"What?" Remy blinked and noticed an enormous mound of socks in the corner that nearly reached the ceiling. "Where the heck did you get all these socks? Why in the world would you need six thousand self-igniting boomerang socks in the **first** place?"

"For my other latest project," Pyro began to laugh maniacally while pointing out other equipment stored in the room. "I need them along with the mousetraps, cattle prods, barber pole, suction cups, three hundred pounds of plaster of Paris..."

"Oh boy," Remy began to feel very afraid. "I don't even wanna think about what you're planning now."

"Uh, Pyro?" Piotr tried to get his attention. "Did you have anything to do with the static cling in my socks?"

"Huh? Nope, not that I know of," Pyro said turned back around. "Hey, you're all covered with socks!"

"I know," Piotr sighed. "I seem to have a large amount of static cling and I do not know how to get rid of it. Touching metal objects does not seem to work."

"Hmmm," Pyro thought for a moment. "Do you have any patches of really dry skin?"

"Uh, yes," Piotr blinked. "Several of them."

"Well that's probably what's causing it," Pyro plucked a plastic jar off the table and tossed it to him. "Here, rub this on and it'll make your skin all nice and silky smooth again."

"Um, okay," Piotr sniffed at the lotion-like contents of the jar and began pulling back his sleeves.

"Now to get back to work," Pyro went over to get more socks.

"Uh, say Pyro," Remy tried to keep him distracted. "Why are you even bothering with a new project? Why aren't you still working on your mutant breakfast cereal idea?"

"Whaddya mean still working on it? Our breakfast cereal is perfect!" Pyro declared.

"It's a disaster," Remy shot back.

"It is not!" Pyro dumped an armload of socks onto the table. "Our cereal is great! Especially the slogan. Acolyte Bytes: The only cereal that glows in the dark!"

"Yeah, like that's **real** appealing," Remy rolled his eyes.

"It appealed to the X-Men," Pyro reminded him. "Most of those blokes ate it when you snuck that test box over and left it at Xavier's. They loved it!"

"All except for one," Remy grumbled thinking of a particular female X-Man. "Turns out she doesn't even like breakfast cereal!"

"Too bad we labeled the test box with a different name," Pyro went on. "It would've been nice to get their reaction when they realized what they were eating."

"We got some nice reactions of them **after** they finishing eating," Remy quipped. "I didn't know it was possible for people to turn some of those colors."

"This stuff is very nice," Piotr interrupted having pulled up his sleeves and pant legs. He had applied the lotion all over his arms and lower body. "I think it is working already."

"Told ya," Pyro smirked.

"What is that stuff?" Remy asked suspiciously.

"My very own homemade supply of moisturizing cream," Pyro said. "I just take some regular cream and add my secret ingredient to it."

"And what 'secret ingredient' is that?" Remy asked.

"Lighter fluid," Pyro grinned.

"What?" Piotr blinked freezing in place.

"It works great!" Pyro insisted. "All I gotta do is smear it on and flick open my lighter. One spark and boom! Sears the moisturizer right into the skin!"

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped and gazed at his skin in horror.

"Yep, that'll get rid of all that static cling," Pyro chirped reaching towards Piotr. "See?"

"What?!" Remy gasped as Pyro prepared to rip a sock from Piotr's chest. "Wait! No...!"

KA-BOOOOOOM!

Meanwhile, in a newly created section of the base...

"How disappointing," Magneto levitated himself out through a large set of doors. "I expected far more than that pitiful display."

"I tried to warn you," Mastermind said trailing after him. "I am an illusionist. My telepathic powers are secondary and not as formidable as those of a full telepath."

"As you have demonstrated," Magneto said coldly. "Still, the initial tests are promising. With a few more design changes you should be able to use my new modified version of Cerebro. With certain limits."

"If you say so," Mastermind sighed. "Why do you need a mutant detection system in the first place?"

"To find more potential mutants I can recruit," Magneto told him. "You've seen the idiots I have been forced to work with around here. Heaven knows I could use some **competent** and **sane** subordinates for a change."

"PYRO YOU ARE GONNA DIE!"

"Speaking of which," Magneto groaned pausing at an intersection.

"HELP!" Pyro hopped by completely covered in socks and hardened plaster of Paris. The large number of awkwardly stuck socks made it very difficult for him to move. "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! AN ACCIDENT I TELL YOU!"

"YOU CALL THIS AN ACCIDENT?!" Remy shouted as he and Piotr hobbled after him, each also covered in socks and plaster. "JUST LOOK AT MY HAIR!"

"And my skin!" The few exposed patches of Piotr's skin had been superficially charred. "I am going to smell like burned fabric for weeks!"

"Come on mates!" Pyro pleaded. "IT'S JUST SOCKS!"

"I'LL SOCK **YOU**!" Remy yelled.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Pyro screamed.

"I see your point," Mastermind blinked as he and Magneto watched the departing sock-enveloped Acolytes. "What do you suppose they...?

"I don't know and I don't want to know," Magneto quickly turned and headed back down the hallway. "I lose fewer brain cells that way."

"Does stuff like this happen often?" Mastermind asked following after him.

"You have no idea," Magneto groaned. "You think this is bad, just wait until they start involving exotic animals."

"How do you manage to put up with it all?" Mastermind asked.

"Aspirin. Lots of it," Magneto moaned.

* * *

******Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the character John Carter of Mars.**


End file.
